How be Selfish and Say No to Friends and Family

Being selfish doesn't mean that we are hurting others. It means we first stop hurting ourselves.

Do you have people in your life that make your life harder? What do you do with them It could be your friends, co-workers, family members, partners, and/or your boss. People are making our life harder, all the time. And we feel stuck.

We often feel obligated to serve others around us because we make commitments and promises to them. We make a commitment to a friend that we will spend time with them. Or it can be a financial commitment - like a loan to a friend.

We just can't say no. We make commitments to girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife. We make commitments to work at a company and serve them. We feel bad and guilty for rejecting their request. The list goes on.

And most of the time, we feel like we are pulled in all directions, and because of that, we are tired and exhausted. We try to make everyone happy but we can't make ourselves happy.

We feel like we are being drained of our energy and our own health, career growth, and financial growth is getting stagnated. Other people are holding us back. This is how we feel most of the time with other people. They make our lives hard.

We do not break our commitments because we feel that we will disappoint other people. From our childhood, we have been taught not to break commitments. Not to make others angry at us because we can't live up to their expectations.

The world and society told us to serve others, make others happy, and sacrifice ourselves to keep our commitments. In return, we will get respect and honor.

If we break our commitments - they call us selfish and narrow-minded. It is discouraged to break commitments. But I do not agree with this. Because even if you try to satisfy everyone's needs, we will still be falling short of the commitment to ourselves and our future.

We cannot let other people rule our lives and tell us what to do. Honor means nothing without personal satisfaction and fulfillment. And focusing on ourselves is not a bad thing.

Nurturing ourselves is the most important task we have for our future selves. Because if we do not care for our future selves, no one else will. I learned it the hard way.

What most people forget is that there is another person here who is suffering. That person who suffers is your future. Do not hurt him/her. (It's you in the future)

What most people conveniently forget is that sometimes to keep up your commitments to others, you have to break the commitment to your future self.

For example, in a job, if my boss asks me to work extra hours for the company - I would be keeping up a commitment to the company I work for, but breaking a commitment to my own future career.

If I work longer hours, I cannot build my career for the future and might even become mentally and physically unhealthy. My future will suffer.

If you are in a toxic relationship, your partner and the whole world will say that - you have to keep that commitment. You have to keep the promise. You have to stay - even if it is not good for you. They will call you selfish if you break the promise.

But... you are breaking a promise to your future self when you decide to keep the promise to others anyway. Which promise is more important? To others? Or your future self?

Your future self of course.

The most successful people in this world are the ones who realize this. They focus on themselves and that's the best promise to keep. The best commitment there is. A commitment worth keeping. A self-respect worth building.

Your life will be very simple and easy if you care about only one commitment - your future self. You will feel better about yourself with every passing day. When the future comes to the present, you will feel great. You will feel successful. But you might be asking me: "Deepak, isn't it just being selfish?"

No. Remember that you can only serve others when you are in a capacity to serve others. You have to serve yourself first.

In an airplane, the air hostess instructs us that in case of cabin pressure loss, wear an oxygen mask first before helping other people around us. Because if you faint because of lack of oxygen, you can't help yourself, or others. Once you take care of yourself, and keep up your commitments, you can later start serving others.

Let the other people wait. Because your future is in the queue to be served first.

My life changed when I decided to focus on myself. I broke all my commitments. I quit my job. Became jobless. I quit my marriage. Became single. (Now I am re-married)

I quit a business I started and broke up with a co-founder. (Now I have another co-founder).

I disappointed my parents because I didn't do what they wanted me to do. I said no to some friends who asked for a loan. I disappointed everyone around me.

For a while, I felt lonely and scared and I hit rock bottom. No one came to my rescue. And I knew that no one would come to help me.

But it was not that bad. Do you know what is worse than hitting rock bottom? To always live in the fear of hitting rock bottom.

A lot of people do not dare to change course in their lives because they are afraid of hitting rock bottom. They convince themselves, "Something is better than nothing".

But remember, nothing is better than nonsense.

If you want to create something wonderful, you need to first destroy what you have - to make space for the new. Nature always works like that.

After I broke all my commitments, I hit rock bottom in 2018. And do you know what is the best part about hitting rock bottom? You can only go up from there.

I was 30 and I started rebuilding my life. (Now I am 36). I might have lost my 20s to mistakes, but it is ok because I learned from them. I started reading books. Traveled alone. Started meditation. Did Vipassana. Consulted a therapist. Started working on weekends.

And it kept getting better - one day at a time. Today, I have rebuilt everything back from scratch. I am fit and healthy. (Touchwood). I am mentally happy.

I run a business that provides value to 1000s of customers. And job opportunities for more than 10 team members. I am in love again, with someone who is contributing to my success and is talented and successful herself.

My parents are happier than ever because they now understand why I had to make hard decisions. I am happy for myself and only from this place, I can make the world a better place.

The world doesn't take from me. I give to the world. So that's my thought for today.

Focus on yourself.

Keep the promise to yourself - even if it means breaking promises to people around you. Remember that keeping commitments to others many times means that you have to break the commitment to your future self, and it is not worth it.

People who yield to social pressures and demands end up miserable people - and in the long term, they become useless to themselves and the world around them.

Take the road less traveled. Time to break commitments. Time to break promises. Time to disappoint people.

Believe me. It is for your own good and for the good of the world.

Have a great day.

Cheers,
Deepak Kanakaraju