How to Overcome The Fear of Failure

This is a fear that grips us all. We fear failure and we become stressed out.

A lot of people ask me how I handle stress while building a startup.

This reminds me of the mental strategy I used to have during exams when I was in school and college.

I used to prepare as much as possible for the exams. (Obviously in the last few days).

And on the morning of the exam, I would feel so much anxiety that I was not able to focus and stay present.

The only idea that calmed down my mind was thinking:

"It's ok if I fail this exam, the world is not going to crash, I will handle it."

That's the same strategy I use for building my startup. Every day I get to work and detach myself from the results of my work.

In general, humans are not good at handling uncertain futures. That's why a lot of people want government jobs even though government jobs are so few. Because it gives them some level of stability (for people who want to marry and have kids early).

Parents and teachers do not encourage entrepreneurship much because there is a huge level of uncertainty in that.

Parents care more that we procreate and give them grandchildren. They don't care what we want out of our life. That's why they ask us to take the safe route.

I am unemployable. I worked for 5 years in startups and corporate companies, but I was always impatient to start something of my own. I would get depressed working for a big company. I always fought with my parents before leaving a good job.

Doing something of my own today, even for someone like me who has built a brand, is still a challenge.

What you see is what I post on Instagram, a sorted life. Back here, it's a mad-house. Every celebrity that you see in the media has a turbulent life that is not shown on the outside.

The challenge in building startups is not in terms of day-to-day operations.

The challenge is in the mind.

The mind always goes "What if I fail" over and over again.

So I designed my life in such a way that even if I fail, I can always stay alive and have the energy to rebuild things.

I can do this today because I have been through that situation before.

When I got a divorce in 2018, I lost 100% of my wealth. Yes, all of it.

I hit rock bottom. Lonely and broke.

I took a few month's break and started working again.

My expenses were just around 30k a month. 15k for a room in a shared 2bhk and another 15k for food, clothes, etc. That much I was able to make through freelancing.

I started writing, worked on weekends and slowly built the momentum back to where I am now.

I am a high-risk taker not because I have a lot of courage but because if the risk doesn't turn out positive, I can handle the bottom.

If you hit rock bottom once, you know rock bottom.

The fear of hitting rock bottom is what keeps people risk-averse.

But if you hit rock bottom, it's a blessing in disguise because the rock bottom is not as bad as you think.

Coming to 0 in your relationships and money might be more peaceful than you think because you have nothing more to lose and hence nothing more to fear.

You will feel liberated. Everyone should experience that at some time. It makes you feel invincible. You are invincible.

After I started rebuilding things in life again, both money and relationships, I was a much more bolder person.

That helped me make better choices in relationships too because I knew where to draw boundaries, what to accept, and what not.

I learned to say no.

Mediocre is the enemy of the great. I said no to at least 3 people who wanted to marry me before I settled on my dream girl.

Any average man in his 30s who is healthy, fit, and capable of getting a job will get a lot of options for relationships. Women are also looking for men.

Saying yes to the first relationship means that you will get that for sure, but it takes confidence to say no because what if one doesn't get another relationship?

That's the cost of finding a better relationship.

(Sorry for talking only from a man's perspective. I can't relate to women's experiences because I am a man. So women, empathise and excuse).

People who pay that price (men who say NO to marriage until maybe 32 or 33 years of age) do get the best options because they pay the price for saying no to something that could be certain.

In our society, aunties panic when they see a nephew who is 26, in a good job, and still unmarried. The social pressure hits the parents and parents start looking for alliances. Almost brainwash them into the marriage.

Most men that I know who are in toxic relationships are there in it because they thought "What if I don't find someone better than her", let's seal the deal right away.

I am also guilty of that.

That's why I also said yes to marriage when I was just 24 years of age. I didn't pay the price at that time of saying no.

I had to pay a very huge price after 7 years of that marriage. But I did pay that price. Most guys in my situation will accept mediocrity, and disrespect and continue to remain in a toxic relationship.

Everything has a price.

Everything I've today is because I paid for it. Without knowing if I will get something in return.

Anyone can pay any price if they know what they will get in return but life doesn't work like that.

You first pay the price and hope for the best. Be ok if nothing comes back.

Similarly saying no to a lucrative (or even a mediocre) job is the price to pay to build something great (like a startup) in the future.

You trade certainty for possibility.

Or you can give up the possibility and get certainty.

You want the possibility, pay it with uncertainty, and give up on it.

If you want certainty, give up on the possibility.

Read that again and let it sink in.

I have a lot of friends who are making 3-5 lakhs a month, staying in the UK or US, in very good jobs. But their life is boring and frustrating. They are jealous of me now. 5 years back I was jealous of them.

They said yes to the first job offer and subsequent promotions. They said yes to the first girl they came across on a matrimony website.

I did not make much in my business for a long time, but the uncertainty of running a startup kept me alive and kept me alive day in and day out.

I was ok being alive and broke rather than being rich & dying of boredom.

Gratitude to the universe, today I am alive and rich.

You can be a seed, or you can be a flower.

A seed is protected by a shell, it is not easy to destroy it. But no one admires a seed.

A flower is so delicate. Someone can pluck it. Some animals could eat it. A strong wind will destroy it. A flower is at risk. But what people admire is a flower, not a seed.

So you decide.

Be a certain seed.

Or an uncertain flower.

Life is a risk. The very moment you were born, you took a risk. We are always at the risk of dying. And you are afraid that your startup will die?

Think about it.

Are you ready to pay the price and embrace uncertainty? That's the price of a beautiful life.

Want an average life? Say yes to everything.

“No” is difficult. “Yes” is easy.

Comment with your thoughts and let me know how you feel.

Cheers,
Deepak Kanakaraju